It's no secret that I am having a rough year. It's also no secret that the rough stuff is the stuff from which most of us learn our most valuable life lessons. Knowing this doesn't make the journey any less painless, however! I mean, to say that I'm in a state of transition seems an understatement to be sure. Be that as it may, I am learning to accept my current state of groundlessness. It was a bit unsettling at first to be this, uh, unsettled, but now I just shrug my shoulders and put one foot in front of the other, hurdling along my current path at death defying speeds, winding unpredictably to an uncertain fate. It's horrifying and exhilarating all at the same time and I have made many a discovery about myself and my life's cosmic soup along the way...
Firstly, when it comes to societal mores, I happen to be an unconventional girl. Okay, I know that you all are sitting there reading this statement and thinking, hel-lo? You didn't know this about yourself already? You've christened yourself LadyLinoleum for Pete's sake! My reply? No, I did not know this, or more appropriately I should say, I have, until this point in my life, had trouble accepting this vision of myself, as evidenced by my constant attempts to fit my trapezoidal shaped peg into life's round holes. Oh yes, my past is littered with failed pursuits of the western woman's dream. You know that of which I speak. You are born, you spend your youth immersed in compulsory education, after graduation you may pursue higher education and possibly career, but then you almost certainly find a good man, get married, purchase a home, have children, you and the hubby work tirelessly toward retirement, retirement finally arrives, maybe you travel, enjoy the grand kids and general fruits of your life's labors until the end of your days. Yeah, it took me a long, long time to realize that I'm just not suited to that particular path and it took me even longer to stop beating myself up about the fact that this path has eluded me.
So as it turns out, I am just not marriage material and further, I really like living alone. I love having a career and earning a paycheck. I also don't really mind being a single parent most of the time. Speaking of which, I love my daughter, but feel fortunate that I decided to have only one child during my early 20's. At the ripe old age of 40, I know that I have no desire at all to live in the 'burbs. I love living in the middle of one of the greatest cities on the planet, noise, traffic, hustle, bustle and all. Don't get me wrong, I love nature and having the ability to seek refuge in it from time to time, but I'm a city girl to the depths of my soul. As such, for me relaxation comes in the form of total immersion in activities that keep my mind and body busy. And I know that this one may come as a complete surprise to you (or not!), but I'm secure enough in myself to admit it nonetheless...I'm totally high maintenance. Yep, just call me, uh, complex. Not to worry though, I am quite capable of taking care of my own maintenance, thank you very much...Oh my, did it ever take me a long time to accept these truths about myself and to stop apologizing for them to whomever I found myself unhappily married to.
Secondly, and completely contradictory to my first dictum, when it comes to societal mores I am too every bit the conventional girl.
What did you just say?
Girl, have you lost your mind? Up above you were going on and on and on about what an independent, headstrong woman you are!
I am, but as also previously stated above, I am nothing if not complex...
In addition to my need for independence and a strong craving to experience the larger world we inhabit, I am also a woman who loves to get lost in what society considers to be a traditionally female role. I love caring for my child and home, cooking and baking make me immensely happy and well, you all know I have a penchant (read, serious addiction) for the needle and fabric arts. Okay, I admit it...I also adore all things girlie, shopping, primping and coiffing, gossiping and hanging out with the girls...People, I own a hot pink blue tooth and I am NOT afraid to use it.
Who am I kidding? This independent, headstrong business woman, in touch with her inner stay at home mom, is also perfectly at home in the shallow end of the pool.
Didn't I already use the term complex?
Anyway, the treatise above regarding the recent discoveries made while trekking about my inner landscape is my long-winded approach to a point, dear reader...Basically, I am a phoenix in mid-cycle. My soul having suffered a good ole cremation, I am beginning to rise from the ashes of what was before, readying myself to experience what will be. As such, I will be approaching this next chapter in the book of LadyLinoleum with a bit of wisdom tucked under my belt. Henceforth I will always make a concerted effort to live loudly and deeply. I will try not to be afraid to make mistakes or allow fear to hold me back. I will attempt to be gentle with myself and cherish my loved ones most deeply. I recognized that each day presents an opportunity to discover something new about myself and the world around me. I will make art everyday...
Oh, and for you, dear reader, I will keep these self-help styled realizations to a posted minimum for I seek NOT to be the Deepak Chopra of the craft world...Yes, you can all breath a group sigh of relief!
With that said, many thanks to you all for reading my soliloquy, all of my myriad soliloquies for that matter. Happy Wednesday kids!