Monday, August 10, 2009

When Things Fall Apart...

Last weekend began with a phone call at 4:30 pm on Friday afternoon...

I looked at my Blackberry screen...private number. I debated as to whether I should bother answering and then elected to do so.

"Ms. Gonzalez?"

"Yes."

"This is Detective So and So from the LAPD."

I immediately think, great! What's my soon-to-be-ex-husband accusing me of doing to him now? (You all have no idea, dear reader, the shenanigans that have ensued since the official split.) My seconds of contemplation were interrupted by the Detective's voice.

"Ma'am, do you have a daughter?"

My right brow elevated slightly as I answered, "Yeeesss."

"Can you tell me her name?"

Upon my answer he began to relay the scenario that necessitated his call. Apparently my lovely daughter and her posse were smoking cigarettes in the alley behind our condominium. The undercover narcotics detectives spotted them and thought that they looked a little too young to be smoking. Bingo! So, they decided to wrangle the group up and search their persons and belongings.

Guess what they found in my offspring's bag?

Gum?

No, give it another try.

Mascara?

Well, yes. One doesn't achieve beautiful full lashes without a little help from the cosmetic counter, but that item didn't give the officers cause for any concern. No, the item found in my daughter's tote that provoked this Friday afternoon phone call was...oh yes...a marijuana pipe.

Yeah, the fun never stops over at ChezLinoleum!

The detectives said that my daughter and her friends look like good kids, but the pipe could be a sign of more to come if not nipped in the bud (no pun intended) sooner rather than later. Further, they said that they would only give my child a ticket for smoking and release her into my custody, allowing me to handle the situation as I saw fit. Unfortunately, the ticket means that we will be going to teen court (Yay another courtroom experience!) in September and she will receive a fine.

The one good thing that came out of Friday evening's events? For the first time in weeks, my daughter seemed to lose her obnoxious teen 'tude. Yep, when I calmly explained to my daughter that she would be grounded for the rest of the summer she just looked at me and replied, "Okay. I'm sorry Mom." Further, she told me that she will be paying for the fine with her own wages, to which I replied, "Yes, yes, you will."

Unfortunately the weekend just worsened from that point forward...

Weekends have become increasingly difficult for me since the onset of my marital mayhem. When my husband and I were still residing together, weekends were filled with tension and a depth of unhappiness that was nothing short of utter oppression. Now that he is gone, the silence itself and my ever encroaching awareness of the nightmare that I have endured, am enduring, has become utterly oppressive. Now, I am quite adept at keeping my sadness, anxiety and depression at bay most of the time, but there are occasions when no amount of positive affirmation can stem the tide of my despair. And last weekend, despair was the rip tide that caught my leg and tried to pull me under...

I could feel the ripples of despair lapping at my toes when driving home from my teaching gig on Saturday evening. As I edged closer to home, my stomach began to turn and my mind raced with unsavory thoughts. I acknowledged that this did not bode well for an evening of quiet relaxation.

By 10:00 pm I was in full melt-down mode. My body was collapsing under the weight of my sadness, tears streaming down my cheeks, nostrils leaking fluid, hair in disarray...not a pretty sight peeps. I needed to hear a friendly voice. I texted my Mom and said simply, "I'm falling apart." She called me shortly thereafter and by the end of the call, we were both in tears! At this point, my eyes were burning and my eyelids had swelled to size of raviolis. I needed to get control of myself. So, I threw Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring on the DVD player and attempted to drown my sorrows in a bowlful of Cheetos. Normally, Frodo and a neon orange snack would do the trick, but this was no normal bump in the proverbial rode. (Oh, by the way, the whole time I was melting down mercilessly? Yeah, I was also crocheting. Just because I was falling apart and contemplating heaving my body from the rooftop, did not mean that I had became exempt from my design deadlines.) At that point, I decided to pack it up and just go to bed. Yeah, you guessed it, I cried myself to sleep.

So, how was your Saturday night?

*Ahem*

Needless to say, Sunday I awoke with bloodshot eyes, ravioli eyelids and a headache the size of Los Angeles County. I looked in the mirror and began to tear up again. Enough was enough. I called my girlfriends. They were coming over later to get me out of the house. Knowing this made me feel marginally better, but not enough to dam up the tear tide completely. So, I picked up the phone again and dialed a familiar international number. I listened to the crackle and hiss of the line making it's myriad connections before finally hearing the foreign and yet oh so familiar ring go through its repetitions...

The deep resonant voice that I know intimately answered, "Al-lo?"

"Honey, it's me," crying ensued...AGAIN.

He immediately answered me in English, "What's wrong Re? Tell me..."

It was there and then that I laid it all out, the pain, the suffering, the overwhelming sense of feeling like a failure. I told him about LittleLinoleum's Friday fun fest, my parental controls slipping away, the endless crocheting during it all. How could I have allowed my life to go so...sideways? He listened intently and comforted me with his words. By the end of the conversation he even had me in doubled over in laughter. We were both reluctant to end the dialog, but we said our pregnant goodbyes nonetheless. After hanging up, I looked in the mirror and noticed the residue of a smile on my face. I would be okay...

Later at lunch with my band of rescuers, my mom looked up from her plate of food and asked me, "Did you talk to Sam?"

I smiled. "Yes."

She smiled too and said, "I thought so..."

29 comments:

Crafty Christina said...

Oh Regina, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through so much suffering right now. Big hugs to you! I don't know who Sam is, but he deserves a hug as well for making you smile.

Ellen Bloom said...

Oooo...you're making me tear-up right now! I'm so sorry for all the trouble you're having right now. I know that cliches are cliched, but that's why they must be true. It's always darkest before the dawn. Every cloud has a silver lining...yada, yada, yada.

Even in sorrow, you are creative! Love the description of "ravioli eyelids." Because I'm waaay older than you, my crying eyes look like stuffed shells (wrinkles).

Just keep on punching the yarn with your trusty hook! This too shall pass.

woolanthropy said...

Man, what a weekend. I am glad it ended with a little bit of a smile.

Big hug.

Geo said...

Since you don't know me from Eve, this will probably sound stalkerish, but I wish you lived next door. I happen to specialize in ravioli eye therapy, using a very sensible and comforting approach I like to call: "Let me feed you!" The darkest of chocolates, the richest of pestos, the sweetest of fruit smoothies, you name it. *sigh*

Blessings and relief to you.

Ann Marie said...

Aw, your post just broke my heart. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time right now. I am so glad though that you have a wonderful support system in your family and friends. Otherwise I'd be worried about you having to go through this alone.
Just keep your head up high and remember that it will get better. It has to 'cause you are Lady Linoleum! I know it sounds corny but you are an inspiration and I always look forward to reading your blog.

PurlingPirate said...

I'm so glad you have Sam!! I am in a similar situation, just haven't gotten away yet. I hope someday I have a "Sam" in my life to call and help me feel better!

naomi said...

What an f'ed up weekend...........
But the way your kiddo reacted to her brush with the law shows what a great job of parenting you are doing.
As for the other things,with some wine and good friends and a few more calls to Sam and before you know it, it will all seem like one loooong nightmare.
Hang in there, as Ellen already said, those old cliches really are true

aubreyrenee said...

Hello Lady!
Kudos to for not throwing your immensely talented self off the roof! Sometimes life gives you ratty old yarn, and you can crochet a warm fuzzy blanket! Keep on keeping on, life is full of surprises! (some are good ;P)

Trifarina said...

I'm another apologetic stalker over here. I love you and your stuff so much and it hurts to hear about what you're going through. I've had a few rough patches myself and have found the guided meditation practices of Jon Kabat-Zinn extremely helpful. Giant hugs from Texas, where everything is, of course, bigger!

The Crafty Crocheter said...

It's 11:00pm and I've just read your message because I can't sleep either, I'm crying myself to (not) sleep, and I know exactly what you are going through. I am so very sorry, dear lady, for the both of us. Please hang in there, sadly you are not alone in your misery and grief. I guess it's true that misery loves company.

Aluajala said...

Oh my I've discovered your blog only recently and I'm so sorry that such a crafty person like you have to overcome such pain. Good thing is you have someone to speak to. Funny thing is I spent this night crying and crocheting too wishing I had someone to speak my pain to. So I understand you and wish you strength and more smiles.

Yeah So said...

Well that sucks. NEver understand why nice people have to go through such nightmares. But I do know you will eventually get through it, so hang in there please! No heaving yourself off rooftops, the world would be lost without crocheted eyeballs!

Athene Noctua said...

What is this "SAM" and where can I get one?

I've been reading your blog for a couple years now... I just want you to know that your writing moves me. I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time. I think you should use all this emotion and keep crocheting! I seem to write and create some of the most brilliant things when I am emotional...

Cheers from Italy...

Caroline B said...

So sorry to hear what you are going through - but it's good you have friends & family to lean on, that will really help. I think the tears & feelings of despair are all part of the healing process (been there!) and need to be expressed in order for your poor psyche to start recovering!

Your daughter probably learnt an important lesson at the weekend and will have been shaken up enough to take a more sensible path. We all go through the egocentric teenage years & do stupid stuff(God knows I did things which would have killed my parents if they'd found out!), but it passes - it's just a right old pain for the parent while it's going on!
Chin up...

sylvchezplum said...

So sorry to read you've had such a crappy week-end. As others have said, I love to read your blog because you're an inspiring lady, and I don't mean only on the craft front. I'm glad you have friends and family and "sams" to help you get through this, and will try to send you good vibes from France..

Deneen said...

Hang in there-this too shall pass. Both you and L have been through a lot this past summer. Deep breaths.

Thinking of both of you and sending positive thoughts.

Pink Velvet Bird said...

Hi, I'm a stanger who loves your fiber art. I'm sorry you are working through such a tough time. My prayers are with you.
Craft it out, girl!

Ms. Diva said...

As the saying goes, you don't know me from Adam but, I'm 20 years beyond where you are now. (other then the teenager thing - I'm right there with you! Sorry!) The despair you are talking about could have been mine all those years ago. So, I guess what I really want you to know is the advice my mother gave me. Whatever you do, do it from your heart. He may be a total a$$, but if any decision you make comes from your heart, it will evenutally turn out ok. You cannot control him or his actions, you CAN control yours. Doing that releases any power he has because you control you, he doesn't. Very empowering. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

Knot By Gran'ma said...

Sending you good vibes... this too shall pass... eventually.

Coco, not as in Chanel :) said...

Oh, no. So many hugs and prayers your way. ((Hugs....prayers))

Kay

Tari said...

Lady L, Sorry your weekend was rotten. Thanks for not depriving the world of more yarny mad veggies/meats. Glad you have a SAM to help bring the smile back.

ladylinoleum said...

Love to you all!

Thank you for being interested in what I've had to say and show you these four years. More importantly, you are an amazingly supportive bunch and I am blessed to have gotten to know you through this medium. You all mean the world to me.

Sara said...

This post brought tears to my eyes. First, the teen...totally feel you on that one. Mine is 14 and the trouble is insane.

I'm so sad you are going through such a rough divorce. What an amazing friend Sam is.

And crafting it out sounds like an excellent game plan.

Keep trucking! You can do this!

Liz said...

I'm so sorry that it's been such a hard weekend - like everyone else I send you my best wishes.

We all need a 'Sam'.

By the way sounds like you are a great mum by how you reacted to your daughters brush with the law and how she responded to you.

MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Baby. You have me crying in my cubicle. Okay, I'll admit, first I was laughing (a little) at the wee linoleum adventure... (it's always funny when it's someone else's kid - ask me again in 5 or 6 years) but then, {SIGH}. I'm so sorry. Ever been to Pink Taco? Rock Sugar? I haven't, but I hear they're great. Lemme know if you ever want to hook up for a bitch session after work.

FinnyKnits said...

SAM - WHEREVER YOU ARE IN THE WORLD - YOU'RE AWESOME!

LL - You're awesome, too. And it sounds like your daughter, while temporarily aggravating, is quite awesome herself. And she has you to thank for that - the awesomeness not the aggravatingness.

I'll stop saying awesome now.

ANYWAY - I'm proud of you. You're really kicking some tough ass through this shitstorm of a situation and proving that you are one tough gal.

I know you'll come out the other side a happier, stronger person.

Sally Comes Unraveled said...

You're so brave to share this with the world.

You may want to "Cope Ahead" for the weekends, if you know that's your tough time. Get out as much as possible. Be around people. Distract yourself. It sounds like you're already doing a good job of reaching out to others.

(Can you tell I've been in some therapy?)

Subway Hooker said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for your hurt. I hope the collective love from your faithful fans helps to cushion you, even if only a little bit. Strength and peace to you!

OneGirl said...

I just wanted to let you know that your blog always makes me smile, sometimes in the midst of a ravioli-eyed crisis (and I hope you don't mind me stealing that phrase-it's totally perfect). I totally know how you feel about the weekends-although mine are empty because my hubby is deployed overseas. I find myself throwing parties I really don't have time for just so I don't have to sit at home and actually acknowledge or think about the emptiness. But through it all my crochet hook or knitting needles manage to find their way into my hands, and your patterns frequently appear on my computer screen.