Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Support the Troops



Killer Korn here. For those of you unfamiliar with me, I am the leader of the Vegetable Liberation Army or VLA for short. I come to you today on behalf of my VLA brethren to ask you for your assistance. As you may or may not know, our valiant band of stems, leaves, roots and seedpods have been the sole defenders of a produce population subjugated and terrorized, mutilated and sacrificed, boiled and roasted, seared and barbecued, flayed, fried, blanched and marinated, often cruelly bathed in a molten hot sea of phlegmatic Velveeta hell, our only purpose in life to be gorged and consumed by those titans of tyranny otherwise known as humans. Radicalized and becoming legitimized, our plight is being seen, heard and felt by not only our brethren, but those not of our ilk who share a common vision of a produce population living a life devoid of fear, chopped salads and human incisors. We are proud to be produce and we're here to stay. (See VLA Manifesto for more information.)

Waging armed insurrection is not only dangerous, but time-consuming and expensive as well. It takes gainfully employed veggies and a swollen war chest to fight human tyranny. In both situations, we VLA combatants find ourselves severely lacking. For example, there aren't many options in today's job market for an average ear of corn such as myself, unless you call jumping into a vat of boiling water, being swathed in cheap margarine and served up on a Dixie plate at your local county fair a viable option. Not only is the compensation meager for this career path, but it is difficult to collect a paycheck from the bottom of a filthy trashcan, kernels violently torn from your cob, in seething pain, dying a slow and tortured death. Oh, I've applied for less dangerous positions, but to no avail. Recently, I attempted to get a job at the local movie theater, desperate to collect a wage that didn't involve being fodder for the human palate, only to be turned away by the manager saying that theater-goers would be less likely to purchase an extra-large bucket of popcorn from its progenitor. And so it goes for the unemployed produce combatant.



So, we come to you today with our plea for help. However, we are not so crass that we ask you to open your pocketbooks to us. Poor sprouts yet proud sprouts, we ask you to open your hearts, your minds and your collective creative vision instead. Recently, the VLA has had the good fortune to acquire a stealth hideout that serves as both high tech nerve center and barracks, but to our dismay we lack both the high tech and the beds, among other items, to make this black ops planning facility a true nerve center and home. We are industrious fibrous beings, but are currently operating at less than maximum capacity and as a result are unable take our vision of fruit and vegetable freedom and liberty worldwide without your help.









We need basic staples and rations to survive, thrive and continue with our plans of world-wide domination, um, err, I mean freedom-fighting. For example, we VLA comrades currently must sleep in shifts due to the fact that we only have two sleeping bags. Yes, just two! The result of which is one-half of our group suffering from exhaustion at all times. How can we be expected to take our campaign world-wide while searching desperately for lattes? There's more. We need blankets and benches, cutlery and chairs, Gatorade and Top Ramen, oh, and mugs for beer. We veggies love handcrafted items and would welcome any DIY articles you can dream up to help make our Spartan environment truly cozy (in fact, a hideout cozy would be a very smart item indeed for a vegetable commando to possess). Make your donation now. Please, don't delay. The life that you save may be your neighborhood white bean from a cassoulet.





Each generous donor will receive a thank you gift in the form of an autographed VLA trading card (donor's choice of character), a credit on our homepage and a chance for your handcrafted item to co-star in our upcoming comic book series for which we will also give you credit! Think of yourself not just a mere generous donor, but a collaborator, or even better, a co-conspirator! We are very excited about this future partnership!

So please, take some time to peruse the list of needed items below and when ready to make your donation:
  1. email our sponsor, LadyLinoleum, with the type of item you will be donating;
  2. any information about your item that you think might be of significance to note on the memorial page;
  3. a pic of yourself (optional);
  4. your VLA trading card choice; and
  5. your address so that we may send you your trading card.

LadyLino is kind enough to assist us with our pledge drive for she is the one human we actually consider to have the heart of a vegetable. Are there more of you veggie-hearted humans out there? Please let us know by answering our plea with a veggie-size donation. Thank you.


Wish List

- Blankets (mini afghans would be much appreciated)

- Bed Linens

- Table Linens (we are civilized veggies you know)

- Foodstuffs (Creepy Cebolla says send Funyuns!)

- Kitchen and Bath Items (no salad shooters please)

- Furniture (any kind, right now our decorating style could be coined "Early Picnic Basket")

- High Tech Gear (computers, DVD player, mp3 players, a television, cell phones, palm pilots)

- Wearables (hats, coats, t's, belts, suspenders, etc.)

- Combat Gear (for black ops)

- Seed Packet Holder ( a Carnivorous Carrots special request)

- Transportation (bus passes would work too)

- Anything Else You Think We Need...

And now a word from our Sponsor, LadyLinoleum: So fellow VLA supporters, if you are interested in participating, please feel free. If not, I still love you! I know everyone has busy lives and lots of stuff to do. However, I would love to add some amazing crafty items into the mix that were created by somebody other than myself. I will give you credit both on the homepage (I plan on making a donor memorial page) and in the future comic book. I am all about giving credit where credit is due. Oh, and you will receive a trading card. Anyway, like the Korn said, if you'd like to participate email me! And remember all items should be VEGETABLE SIZE, meaning pretty darn small.

Copyright 2005 Regina Rioux Gonzalez. All rights reserved.

20 comments:

ThreeOliveMartini said...

too f'ing funny !! i love you regina.. you can count on me for some "supplies"

rodentia said...

"Molten hot sea of phlegmatic Velveeta hell..." Images from my own life flashed before my eyes when I read that line. Fear not, veggies, you will have my support!

~drew emborsky~ said...

hee hee HEE - you said 'vegetable size'

Marla said...

Wonderful work... I couldn't do that.

Is someone bored? Crocheting vegetables??

That's what I get for surfing blogs this early in the am! I must be dreaming!

Jessica said...

heh. Let me see what I can come up with...

So, what size is "vegetable size" anyway?

Catana said...

Do you realize that between the VLA and the vegetarian movement, humans are in danger of starving to death? What then? The VLA will do battle with PETA and all vegetarians for final control of the world. This is more serious than the War of the Worlds!!

Rise up, humans! Gird your loins with spare ribs and arm yourselves with overgrown zucchinis to stop this madness. Send emails and telegrams to Tom Cruise. Our future is in danger if you don't act now.

ladylinoleum said...

Okay all vegetable size means that an item should fit on your average ear of corn, cucumber, bell pepper, etc.

Connie please don't use your zucchini as a weapon. Remember the life of that zucchini is priceless...LMAO

Hey, do you guys like Killer Korn's combat look???

Deneen said...

You know I am so in on this. I have a bunch of camo yarn that has no where to go, nothing to be made into, but now--blankies for the VLA! I'll have to meaure my veggies though.

I will also be on the lookout for other supplies. You can count on me!

Kari said...

I emailed you. I'm so in on this.

Catana said...

You are all traitors to humanity. Sending blankies and other items is giving aid and comfort to the enemy. I'm going to make sure Homeland Security hears about this.

(signed) A true (human) patriot

ladylinoleum said...

Oh Connie, is there no veggie in your heart at all????

~drew emborsky~ said...

Okay, put me down for a sleeping bag that will fit on my average cucumber....

Kari said...

"Okay, put me down for a sleeping bag that will fit on my average cucumber.... "

OMG... I am dying here... ROFL... I really really should try to get my mind out of the gutter

Catana said...

Drew!!!!

lyn said...

Lady Linoleum, either you've been drinking or I have.
If you all want a vacation in the u.k, you'd be perfectly safe in my house.
My kids wont touch vegetables.


Fantastic work !!

ladylinoleum said...

Lyn, yeah, I drink a lot...lol

Heather said...

As long as they don't start demanding human blood you can count me in. *singing* Bop shoo bop...little shop of terrors...bop shoo bop...little shop of horrors...

Rebecca said...

hmmmm, i'm thinking......
put me down for something... just not sure what yet - oh, wait - he he heee, i've got it!

*skipping away to my craft room for hook and yarn

Ro said...

Oh, baby. I am so in.

Let me think on this for a couple days and I will see what I can come up with.

You rule and rock my freaking world, Regina!!!

Oh, man, I am SO in on this!!! :D

xoxo
Ro

Kimberly said...

I have an idea...need to visit the hardware store first...Does anyone know I how I find a hardware store here in Belgium??? Do they have any??? Oh man....this might be a wee bit of an undertaking, but if it turns out like I am invisioning, well worth it...but how in the world will I mail it???