I spent $200 on tulle last Saturday.
C'mon! I couldn't make something that absurd up. Truth is much more disturbing than fiction you know.
Want to hear the best part?
In the end, I probably only used $2 worth of the tulle from this extravagant lesson.
Heretofore this shall be known as THE TULLE INCIDENT!
Let me set the scene for you...
Purpose for Obtaining Vast Amounts of Tulle:
Finishing off pieces for upcoming Uncommon Threads episodes.
International Silks and Woolens
Briana - A celebrity patron at International as evidenced by each and every salesperson greeting her as she enters the door with many a hey-how-have-you-been type of salutation.
LadyLinoleum - Your hostess with the mostess who apparently thinks she's made of money upon entrance to any neighborhood fabric arsenal.
LenaLinoleum - LadyLinoleum's lovely offspring who can sometimes be as vexing as she is creative.
Act 1: The Notions Department
(Rummaging through myriad feather collections in Notions) Bri, don't let me leave without tulle or some sort of netting. I don't have the time nor the inclination to come back [famous last words].
(From the other side of Notions, standing before a counter strewn with a bazillion buttons) Oh don't worry honey, we'll get tulle.
Can I get some tulle?
What are you going to use it for?
I don't know. What is tulle anyway?
It's a kind of netting. No, you are not getting any tulle.
(Sighs heavily) Fine.
(Shouts across Notions while fondling ribbon with little regard for the other patrons or salespeople - Hey, I was on a mission!) Velvet ribbon, Bri? I don't think grosgrain will work.
(Head emerges from beneath enormous mountain of buttons) Definitely velvet.
Can I get some velvet ribbon?
What are you going to use it for?
Um, for one of the purses I am planning to make?
Nice try. We have a huge bin of ribbons and trim at home at your disposal.
(Sighs even more heavily) I never get to get anything.
Whatever Lena. (Facing Bri) I think I have everything I need from here. Let's go look at the tulle.
(Piping up) Why do I need to go with you? It's not like I get to get any.
(Ignores offspring) Bri, are you coming?
(Standing atop mountain of buttons like a conqueror, hands cupping her spoils) Yes. Hey, come over here and tell me whether you think I need these buttons.
(Walks over to what has become Bri's Button World and scans potentials) Yep, I would get them if I were you. I mean, how can you NOT get them? You'll be sorry if you don't buy them.
I know! Okay, now let's go look at tulle.
(The entire cast prepares to leave Notions)
(Eyeing a basket of woven tags) Before we go downstairs can I get these tags?
What are you going to use them for?
I am going to sew them into the bags and onto scarves that I've been making.
Okay, you can get 'em.
(Perks up) Finally!
Act 2: The Fabric Department
(Leading the way across vast fabric filled floor to Tulle Row) Over here girls!
(Many ooohs and aaaahs ensue as does the statement, "I need this", without, ahem, regard for price. You'd think we were fabric establishment rookies or something...Jeesh!)
(After much searching, tulle decisions made) Okay, I think I have what I need. Going to the cutting table!
(Following LadyLinoleum to the cutting table and talking the entire time to anyone who'll listen while fondling various fabrics) Oooooh, I would look so good in this...Oh my god this one would make a great bag...Mommie, can I get some of this?
Lena, we have a huge inventory of fabric at home that you can slice and dice to your heart's content.
Okay! I just don't understand why you are torturing me like this!
(Meets the Linoleums at the cutting table with her bolts in tow) How much of the tulle do we need?
A yard should be enough, but I'm getting two of each.
Of course you are.
(After cutting my soon to be newly acquired netted stash the fabric slasher saleslady asks if I'd looked at the prices on the bolts) Well, ahhh, no. It's tulle. How much could it be?
[Picture Fabric Slasher Saleslady Here] This one is $49.50 per yard. This one is $24.99 per yard. This one is $14 per yard. I'm sorry, I should have confirmed the prices with you before cutting.
(Feeling like a COMPLETE IDIOT) um, yeah, no worries. (Starts sweating profusely)
Are you going to be okay?
(Says weakly) Yeah, I think so.
Wow, now I know why you aren't going to buy me anything. That stuff is REALLY EXPENSIVE Mom!
Payback's a b*%$#...