Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Tulle Incident

I spent $200 on tulle last Saturday.

I did.

Really.

C'mon! I couldn't make something that absurd up. Truth is much more disturbing than fiction you know.

Want to hear the best part?

In the end, I probably only used $2 worth of the tulle from this extravagant lesson.

Yes, really.

Heretofore this shall be known as THE TULLE INCIDENT!

Let me set the scene for you...

Purpose for Obtaining Vast Amounts of Tulle:

Finishing off pieces for upcoming Uncommon Threads episodes.

Location:

International Silks and Woolens

Cast:

Briana - A celebrity patron at International as evidenced by each and every salesperson greeting her as she enters the door with many a hey-how-have-you-been type of salutation.

LadyLinoleum - Your hostess with the mostess who apparently thinks she's made of money upon entrance to any neighborhood fabric arsenal.

LenaLinoleum - LadyLinoleum's lovely offspring who can sometimes be as vexing as she is creative.

Act 1: The Notions Department

(Rummaging through myriad feather collections in Notions) Bri, don't let me leave without tulle or some sort of netting. I don't have the time nor the inclination to come back [famous last words].

(From the other side of Notions, standing before a counter strewn with a bazillion buttons) Oh don't worry honey, we'll get tulle.

Can I get some tulle?

What are you going to use it for?

I don't know. What is tulle anyway?

It's a kind of netting. No, you are not getting any tulle.

(Sighs heavily) Fine.

(Shouts across Notions while fondling ribbon with little regard for the other patrons or salespeople - Hey, I was on a mission!) Velvet ribbon, Bri? I don't think grosgrain will work.

(Head emerges from beneath enormous mountain of buttons) Definitely velvet.

Can I get some velvet ribbon?

What are you going to use it for?

Um, for one of the purses I am planning to make?

Nice try. We have a huge bin of ribbons and trim at home at your disposal.

(Sighs even more heavily) I never get to get anything.

Whatever Lena. (Facing Bri) I think I have everything I need from here. Let's go look at the tulle.

(Piping up) Why do I need to go with you? It's not like I get to get any.

(Ignores offspring) Bri, are you coming?

(Standing atop mountain of buttons like a conqueror, hands cupping her spoils) Yes. Hey, come over here and tell me whether you think I need these buttons.

(Walks over to what has become Bri's Button World and scans potentials) Yep, I would get them if I were you. I mean, how can you NOT get them? You'll be sorry if you don't buy them.

I know! Okay, now let's go look at tulle.

(The entire cast prepares to leave Notions)

(Eyeing a basket of woven tags) Before we go downstairs can I get these tags?

What are you going to use them for?

I am going to sew them into the bags and onto scarves that I've been making.

Okay, you can get 'em.

(Perks up) Finally!

Act 2: The Fabric Department

(Leading the way across vast fabric filled floor to Tulle Row) Over here girls!

(Many ooohs and aaaahs ensue as does the statement, "I need this", without, ahem, regard for price. You'd think we were fabric establishment rookies or something...Jeesh!)

(After much searching, tulle decisions made) Okay, I think I have what I need. Going to the cutting table!

(Following LadyLinoleum to the cutting table and talking the entire time to anyone who'll listen while fondling various fabrics) Oooooh, I would look so good in this...Oh my god this one would make a great bag...Mommie, can I get some of this?

Lena, we have a huge inventory of fabric at home that you can slice and dice to your heart's content.

Okay! I just don't understand why you are torturing me like this!

(Meets the Linoleums at the cutting table with her bolts in tow) How much of the tulle do we need?

A yard should be enough, but I'm getting two of each.

Of course you are.

(After cutting my soon to be newly acquired netted stash the fabric slasher saleslady asks if I'd looked at the prices on the bolts) Well, ahhh, no. It's tulle. How much could it be?

[Picture Fabric Slasher Saleslady Here] This one is $49.50 per yard. This one is $24.99 per yard. This one is $14 per yard. I'm sorry, I should have confirmed the prices with you before cutting.

(Feeling like a COMPLETE IDIOT) um, yeah, no worries. (Starts sweating profusely)

Are you going to be okay?

(Says weakly) Yeah, I think so.

Wow, now I know why you aren't going to buy me anything. That stuff is REALLY EXPENSIVE Mom!

Conclusion:

Payback's a b*%$#...

42 comments:

Sus said...

Ouch. Seriously. That sounds like a place I used to work. Nice stuff, scary prices. Ouch.

miss kendra said...

holy crap. that's some fancy tulle.

i need bias tape, and i'm afraid to go buy some now. what if it costs a kidney?

Bronwen said...

Oh dear, don't you hate that and its worse with the kids looking on.
Sorry I had a giggle but it brings me memories.

briana said...

Thank you for not mentioning that in scene one I exited stage left with... $200. worth of vintage buttons. ONE of which was for the show. Or that every saleslady knew my name.

(Why are we all wearing our hair slicked back? We're like the f#$%ing fiber mafia!)

Molly said...

What in Hell kind of tulle did you buy? And remind me not to shop at that fabric store!

ladylinoleum said...

Sus - Um, yeah.

Kendra - My advice would be to go to Joanne's.

Bronwen - I can laugh now...in retrospect. I will cry when I get my credit card bill though.

Briana - Just updated to reflect your International celebrity status. Neener, neener, neener.

Molly - It's cool stuff, but OH MY GOD...

Faye said...

LOL!
I've done the same thing with yarn... ;)

FinnyKnits said...

Ohmigosh. I would have filled my pants!

I imagine we will be seeing something amazingly creative and mind blowing from that stash of tulle. Perhaps some eyeballs need tutus? e

Wendy said...

So Uncommon Threads won't reimburse you for supplies?

btw - I feel bad for Lena Linoleum, maybe she can have a set $ limit when entering craft store so she won't have to bug you about what she wants to buy and you will both walk out happy.

ladylinoleum said...

Wendy - I believe they said that they would do a trade-out type of thing with a limit of $50. I spent that a while ago when just starting step outs for one of the episodes. So, no, not really.

Don't worry about Lena. She does alright. She's got more art supplies than most adults who've been crafting for years. ;)

Ellen Bloom said...

That's gonna be some fancy schmancy tutu, Honey!

lisa s said...

heh heh... i love the photos... i think you all look like those chicks in that 80's robert whaver his name is video [yeah yeah groan away]

Sue said...

Oh dear! I once had an experience like that with chicken breasts at the butcher counter! He was giving me whole chicken breasts which was double what I needed. At least we could eat my mistake!

Hmm...the conversation with your daughter sounds familiar. No wonder why my daughter has 8 hoodies!!

SheCrochets said...

Wow. Ouch. I hope you love and cherish this tulle forever and ever!

Jessica said...

Wow. Um. Wow. Goodness. I hope it does the dishes, too! ... In fact, you could make some of the most expensive pot scrubbies ever with that stuff!

~drew emborsky~ said...

Sounds like you're going to be wearing tutus on t.v.?

Uccellina said...

My cat eats tulle, if you have any left over.

Jennifer said...

Ack! For that price, it should be magical dancing tulle that grants wishes! What was it made of, gold?
Oh, and the DIY website has episode synopsis up for Uncommon Threads, but I didn't see the one you'll be on up yet, i think. Argh, I wish I got DIY!

Momo said...

Woa! Thanks to the incident I'll never cut before pricing. Who knew that tulle even be that expensive.

Mandy said...

Wha... is it made of freaking gold? Woven from the ass-hair of angels??

Vik said...

O-M-G!!!

ladylinoleum said...

Okay you guys, so according to popular opinion I'm not a hack (you guys are too sweet), but I am definitely a tulle-tard. I mean, can I tell you what a dumbass I felt like? Not to mention a poor dumbass after leaving the store. Um, yeah.

ladylinoleum said...

Jennifer - we will be on in Season 2. Right now they are showing Season 1. No worries.

Mandy - I am still laughing about the ass-hair of angels comment. Too funny!

DixieRedHead said...

wow. that could have been me and my dd having that "teenage moment" that must be some serious tulle... we need pics.

sgeddes said...

I hope that tule makes breakfast!

Rose said...

OK, $14 a yard I can see, it's fancy, after all. But $49.50?! What is it, spun by hand from butterfly wings, blessed by Vera Wang.....both?

Gina said...

You'll be stocked up! Thats what i always say : )

Noo said...

Who knew?!

That's exactly the kind of newbie-tulle-buyer mistake I would make.

But now I have been forewarned!

MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Holy batshit. That's some 'spensive netting. I hope at least its PINK TULLE. I'm DYING over the ass-hair of angels comment. :)

Lena is so sweet and so talented. She deserves eleventymillion dollahz worth of tulle.

Ruby said...

Whoa nellie! That is absolutely outrageous but I'm sure your hands will work magic and it will turn into something sensational!

Vicky aka stichr said...

And you say this store is on Rodeo Drive?

If I misspelled that,blame it on Berserkly School of Weird.

Tara said...

OMG. I would have walked out and gone to Walmart, lol.

Amie said...

You're taping today! Hurrah!

Yeah, they don't cover a fraction of the cost of supplies. We did a trade out for Karabella yarn, but I still plan on submitting my receipts in hopes that the $50 a show thing doesn't include the trade outs. Better not or I'll be livid. I mean, you can't do step outs for a small project and have enough to cover the cost. It's ridiculous.

Brandy said...

That had to hurt... I had to giggle though... that would be my luck!! I would have just died...

Soulknitting said...

Hehhehhehhe. That hurt!!! You are so funny sometimes!! Hheheh. Your daughter will bring this incident up for YEARS!!

JanetinPortland said...

Oh dear. I know what it's like not to look at price.....Just wanted to say I love your crochet stuff and your blog. Thank you!

samantha said...

OMG, I had to laugh a little ittle bit. I've done similar types of things before... The spa pedicure at the fancy hotel we once stayed at. No toes should ever cost that much...

Perhaps the fabric store stays in business by super-upping prices beyond what anyone would imagine to pay, and then preying on their embarassment? Cause, I know I'd whip out my card and slink out in silence, andthen, make everyone I know tulle scraves for Xmas, and pretend I planned it that way.

natasha said...

at the risk of making you feel worse...the crap ass tulle i buy at the fabric store is a buck a yard. what makes yours so fancy? man, that so sucks. i would have barfed. i have a cheap gene in me that makes me sick when OTHER people spend money unnecessarily, let alone myself.

again, you rock...and you are watching galactica! yay! i lurve it. starbuck has changed since the 70's, although i can't put my finger on what it is...

Rebecca said...

wow. i'm stunned.
but seriously, how can you tell me about tulle that costs 50bucks a yard and NOT show pictures!?!
i gotta see this stuff.
how did you feel actually using it? did cutting it make you quiver?

oh man, i gotta go lie down!

susan said...

how did i MISS this post? gak!
what a scenerio... phew. glad I don't need any tulle in my near future!!!
your hats are lovely by the way..

Amy O'Neill Houck said...

Um--yeah she should have asked you before she cut, c'mon!! I love how you wrote that post, you had me giggling out loud, and James is reading over my shoulder saying, what' so funny?!

Anonymous said...

I know it's been years since I had cause to buy tulle, but when I saw "$200 worth of tulle," I was picturing a room full and wondering what you were going to do with all of it. I don't think I've ever paid more than a few dollars a yard for tulle. I would have fainted. But, since the woman admitted she should have priced it before cutting, you had that out, and she'd have had to bit the bullet.

I've got to say, this is all very exciting, though. Wish I could get cable so I could see you in action.