Monday, April 02, 2007

Draft Vader



PLB: Good evening Naboobians. I'm your host for Nightly Naboo, Princess Leia-Buns.



Tonight I'll be bringing you my exclusive interview with the Galaxy's most wanted evildoer, Draft Vader.



Until recently, public perception held that Vader had perished along with his sordid little Empire at the end of Episode VI due, in part, to some very harrowing mini-furball action. Well, as it turns out our guest, otherwise known as "the dastardly detritus of the universe", actually didn't die along with his idiotic and often dysfunctional Death Star II.

No, when it comes to this evil Lord you can be sure of two things dear viewers: Draft Vader wears the same tired outfit every, single, time he's spotted AND cheating death is pretty much second nature to him. So alive and well after the fuzz-ball adventure flick concluded, Vader went underground in order to regroup and rebuild his insane, if often bungling, army. And as if that weren't enough, to make matters worse Vader has been waging a war of terror upon our reborn Galactic Republic for the last several months, often using our beloved home world for target practice. Now that, my adoring audience, is not very nice.

So, Mr. Vader, what have you got to say for yourself?



DV: I am your father.



PLB: What? You're not my father. King of the Buns is my father. Actually, you don't even look, well, male, this close up. Sperm donor you are not.



DV: I am your mother.

*PLB removes her galactic glasses from atop her nose.*



PLB: Um, no, you're not my mother either. Hel-lo? Everyone knows my mother is Queen Cinn-a-buns, sole heir to THE Naboo Bun Dominion.

I come from a long line of proud Buns, thank you very much.



Tell me, your headgear looks as if it's...

No, it can't be...

*Returns cosmic coke bottles to front of face.*



Is your helmet cro-cheted?



And are those Guinness cans?



I didn't think that the Trade Federation was able to afford the import tax on that Earth-based Irish brew...



DV: I am your bartender.



PLB: You are not my bartender. My bartender is named Howard. He works nights at Studio Naboo and that man makes a mean Naboobian Sling. I hardly think that Howard would be rebuilding an evil empire while donning a crocheted Guinness can helmet by day and also working nights at the club. The man has to sleep after all!

*Removes spacey spectacles.*



Is that helmet thingie crocheted from acrylic yarn?

I mean, I know that there are new Super Naboo Yarn Marts popping up all over the planet's surface, but come on! Couldn't you pick a softer, more pliable fiber to use?



Red Heart Super Saver is so last galactic empire.



DV: I am your hooker.

*PLB returns galactic goggles atop her nose.*



PLB: Listen Mr...aaah, no, Mrs...eh, no...oh, I know...freak with the can helmet! I'm not touching that one with a ten-foot light saber.

*Removes interstellar rims.*

On second thought...you know who I think you are?



I think you're crazy!

I think we should call your new army Stormpoopers instead of Stormtroopers! Yeah!

*Replaces interplanetary peepers to bridge of nose.*



And I think your helmet is stupid!

Actually, I think you're stupid!

*Sheds third and fourth cybernetic eyes.*



Ahem...



*Smoothing out buns while returning bionic blinkers to top of nose.*

This has been Princess Leia-Buns with an exclusive...



DV: I am your bun warmer.



PLB: Oh, will you shut up! Jeez!



Well folks, that was illuminating was it not? I think Draft-In-A-Can Vader needs a tighter jacket, if you know what I mean.

*Takes her universal shades off one more time.*



Princess Leia-Buns here, wishing all of Naboo a nightie night...



Debbie, this one's dedicated to you and Tin Can Alley!

Crochet Stats-O-Rama

More pics courtesy of my darker half, none other than the hubster:

With front vent attached...



Without vent...



From the back...



Detachable vent...



Yarn: Red Heart Super Saver

Hook: US G Hook

Aluminum: 8 cans of Guinness (It was a difficult task for me to down all of this dark goodness in a can, but I was drinking for the crochet cause. What do you want from me?)

Pattern: It's all me.

Copyright 2007 Regina Rioux Gonzalez. All rights reserved.

27 comments:

Selena K said...

That is hilarious! Will there be a Star Wars con to which you will be wearing this in the future?

susan said...

you RULE ms. cinn a bonbons. crochet, spam, olive loaf, and now cans.
oh you you crazy intergalactic host/personality.
tee hee.
p.s. good choice of cans by the way.

susan said...

p.s. my husband directs you to the usps website now... for some more goodness. maybe thats why the postage is going up... again?

Renee said...

That is so funny! Methinks the cans were emptied only shortly before crochet hook was engaged. Great work, I appreciated the laugh!

ladylinoleum said...

Renee, ya think?

Susan, I know! I need buy some Star Wars stamps! Yeah, I try to keep it lively over here.

Selena, I think if I wear this to a con the SW fans may chase me from the convention center...

Rina said...

ROFL, OMG, ROFL. I love the photonovela! Love the helmet too. And cute buns ;)

Carol said...

Besides the job thing and destroying my blog and all, I'm way behind on my reading. Girl, you are nuts! And I mean in the nice way. I have to stay up late to finish laughing! You are so wicked creative and really organized! Love your yarniture too. Fingers crossed and good luck to you guys too! And 100 points for seriously embarrassing the youngsters, nicely done!

meg(aphone) said...

If you need help with the cans next time give me a days notice and there will be some in the mail. Any excuse for 8 guinness (or would it be guinnei?)

Debbie said...

So. Awesome!

Husbands always get more interested in crocheting when a.) Star Wars in involved and b.) beer cans need emptying. You've got a double-header here, m'lady.

Thank you for not letting me be the only person in blogland who actually enjoys the delightful interplay between Red Heart and aluminum.

Ellen Bloom said...

Incredibly faboo, Your Highness! Excellent job. This one needs to be included in Sci-Fi Monthly or some other rag!!!

naida said...

wow, awesome!

DK & The Fluffies said...

Hysterical!

Melinda said...

I've been seeing your crochet items on craftster and here in your blog. This is by far the best! Great work, and thanks for the giggle!

gracia said...

Ah, more things ought to be detachable, not just vent and hoods.

see you, g

Kristen said...

You're my hero!

Kari said...

mmmm Earth based Irish Brew!


That soo rocked.

MonkeyGurrrrrl said...

Okay, you made the helmet after consuming the beeyahz, but you documented the . . . podcast? webcast? Linoleocast? after consuming some righteous weed. That's all there is to it.

Shell said...

You will be the envy of every starwars fan at the con!

Soulknitting said...

Damn you!! Coffee spit ALL over my computer screen from the first view of the Darth hat. You are still WAAAYYYY to funny and WAAAYYY to dangerous!!! Loved the post!!

CharacterGirl said...

That so totally ROCKS!!

Nancy said...

Fabulous!!

I love the Leia look too btw...

Sally said...

Oh my GOD, that is one of the funniest. posts. ever. How do you do it?

Madge said...

Oh. My. Galactic. Stars.

You're brilliant is what you are, Yer Royal Naboobness Princess Leia-Buns!

Ansley said...

This ROCKS! You are right, my knit Leia Wig and your Draft Vader should totally date.

Team Knit ! said...

omg that is so freaking amazing. i havent laughed that hard in the morning ...like ever!

I'd love to post a blurb/link to this on my blog to share with my readers... you mind?

http://teamknit.blogspot.com

Gigfy.com said...

that's awesome! if you're interested in selling them, let us know, we are authorized Guinness retailer and we're always looking for one-off items like this.

Cheers!
Robert~

http://www.gigfy.com/index.html

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